Feeling unwell and drained

My first post in days. I felt quite a bit drained by the colonic irrigation but it was worth it. I was extremely constipated and I'm going to make an effort to deal with it with diet and exercise. Yes even thinnies have to watch what they eat. Junk food makes you ill as well as fat. Been spending a lot of time writing lists of what I can and cannot eat from books on nutrition and cookery.

Saw "The Cave of the Yellow Dog" at Chapter Arts Centre on Thursday night. I'd been looking forward to that for a month. It's made by the same director who made "The Weeping Camel". It's a subtitled film set in the Mongolian Desert about a nomadic goat herding family whose daughter finds a stray dog and insists on keeping it. Quite a sweet pleasant film with some awe inspiring vistas though not much in the way of action but who needs that.

Spent the last week counting down the days til Cardiff Calling on Saturday night. It was while I was on holiday that I realised that it was only a two weeks away. Well it's been and happened but I've had a migraine with one bout of vomiting for two days since then so not in the mood for writing about it right now though it was a great night out.

Colonic irrigation

Well I had my treatment yesterday in Bristol. I caught the train to Bristol Parkway and walked the two miles to Downend rather than take the bus because I felt like the exercise. It was strange walking past those huge modern buildings belonging to the University of the West of England and the company AXA whose employees were sitting outside at lunch time by the lake in the huge but bare landscaped grounds. Nearly everyone who works there wears black; is that some kind of company uniform?

I had a bite to eat (cheesy garlic bread) in the Ember pub opposite the salon where I had the appointment. It was such a change being able to eat cheese now I've given up meat but not fish. It must have been the combination of meat and cheese that made me rather than the cheese itself though I prefer cheese made from goats and sheeps milk though I still have to remember only in moderation. The therapist was really nice and friendly (the other one was a bit aloof) and was playing Robbie Williams in the background. We talked a lot about music as Cardiff is seen as a good place for top acts. Bristol is much bigger yet the biggest artistes prefer to play in Cardiff as there isn't a stadium or arena to play only Colston Hall which is quite small comparatively. The treatment was quite successful and wasn't as uncomfortable as when I first had it two years' ago and I didn't have to ask for a break. Maybe because I'm used to it. I was so bunged up and needed to have had the treatment months before.

I was quite sore inside afterwards and I was told that the distended intestines will take 48 hours to get back into shape. After all I had the equivalent of over ten bowel movements. No wonder I was pretty fatigued and unable to concentrate beforehand. Was quite tired that evening especially after walking back to catch the train, taking the train and cycling home from the station. I've been in bed most of the day, sleeping and reading. It was raining so I decided to catch up with some reading but I soon fell asleep and when I awoke it was dry and sunny but since I still felt tired I didn't take the chance to go shopping and to the library. The bicycle needs repairing as well. When I took it to the shop an mechanic loosened the back brakes but the wheel is buckled slightly which means that the brake catches on the rim on every revolution. I'll need to clean it first.

Anna from Mind Cymru phoned to ask me if I wanted to speak to the media via the Disability Rights Commission about my experiences with GP practices in getting my physical health problems to be taken seriously and then I got a call from the Disability Rights Commission. I took part in a focus group over a year ago run by DRC and Mind Cymru and the report will be launched this October.

Constipated

That's what I suffering from at the moment and it feels like it's never been this bad. I've got an appointment for colon therapy today in Bristol; this first time with this particular therapist. My previous one moved to Cheltenham which is too far for me to travel though I love Cheltenham. I can hardly move and spent most of yesterday in bed.

The reason is probably dehydration (that and junk food) from the intense heat of this summer's heatwaves. Though I was drinking two or three litres of water and juice a day it wasn't enough as I was sweating a lot.

I know this is quite an unsavoury subject but it's an important one. Many health problems stem from a sluggish colon (not just bowel problems) such as depression, fatigue, migraines and bad breath. Other organs are affected such as the gall bladder, kidneys and liver. There is too much emphasis on stress in medical fields; the idea that everything seems to be related to stress and has no physical cause is omnipotent.

Will let you know how I get on. Hopefully will feel a lot happier and lighter with more energy to spare. There are therapists locally but I don't feel at ease about seeing them. Something about Cardiff that seems to be spiritually repressed. I found that heavy feeling in Gloucester (where I used to have colon therapy) too but at least Cardiff has a vibrant night life. There's something about the West Country, apart from some of the cities, which makes it pretty spiritually and ecologically attuned. There is a greater concentration of organic farms there, lots of eco-businesses and alternative therapists and of course not to forgetting Glastonbury and Totnes.

A shower at last!

Today was a big day today. I eventually had my shower installed though the hot summer heatwaves are over. It was difficult finding a plumber and when I eventually did find one through recommendation (thanks Angelo) he was about to go on holiday and then returning when I would be on holiday. Not only that I couldn't decide whether to buy a shower first and get an estimate done or the other way round. Well he did turn up an hour late (had I known he was going to come then I could have nipped out to Tesco for food) but he got the job done on time and well. I will be able to wash my hair without having to fill and refill a measuring jug and it will save on time as well as water and fuel. I was pretty tired afterwards and dashed to the DIY store to get a shower curtain and fittings and then to the supermarket to get food. Tomorrow I can have a shower.

I really cannot understand why showers aren't being fitted in social housing particularly in the light of climate change, droughts and water shortages. Having a shower fitted is a necessity these days whereas a bath is a luxury. A bathroom which contains only a toilet, basin and shower cubicle takes up very little space - you only have to stay in an Ibis hotel to see this. This means that more self contained studio apartments could be created rather than bedsits where the occupier has to share a bathroom and maybe a kitchen as well. Getting such ideas across to the public sector and even the voluntary sector is a huge mammoth task. They are so behind the private sector in providing what the people really want. IKEA is very successful because they have woken up to the reality of most people's cramped living conditions and manufacture and sell furniture and fittings that fit into apartments and modern homes on housing estates whose inhabitants often have to work from home.

Getting across to the public sector the idea that not everybody wants the same is near impossible. The council only take on board what the majority of tenants want and apply it to everyone without considering that what the tenants on one estate want is completely different to what tenants on another want. I've asked time and time again on survey forms to be contacted by e-mail and not by post (there is a question for that) but that is disregarded and it will be until the majority have a preference for e-mail and then everyone will be contacted by e-mail even if they aren't computer literate. Different strokes for different folks I say but that is an alien concept to the Council. Basic common sense seems to be lacking which is why they do everything wrong or have to stage endless consultations with users in order to get the simplest things right. I don't suppose they've even heard of global warming. Either that or they think we enjoy basking in temperatures of 30C upwards in our homes day and night.

I'm so glad Big Brother is over now. It's run its course and doesn't need to be played out every year on our televisions screens. Even if you don't watch television there's no escaping from it and why did it have to take up the entire summer when there are better things to do. Surely a six week run is enough. What was shown on Channel 4 before Big Brother? Films and documentaries that's what and now new channels such as More 4 and Film 4 have to be set up which are only available through digital services to show them.

On a positive note. My calendar is filling up for September. I've got a migraine conference to go to (must print off application form and send off) and this means that if I go I won't be able to attend the Permaculture Convergence. I'll have to fork out for train fare to London but since it will be a Saturday in September a supersaver ticket will be valid. There is also the Abergavenney Food Festival which is the key food festival in the UK and so much better than the Cardiff one as there will be talks and workshops as well as demonstrations and stalls. In my opinion the Cardiff one was concentrating on junk food and hardly anything healthy.

Plymouth and Cornwall

My first post since I've been back from holiday. Though I did have internet access in Plymouth (where I stayed after the organic farm holiday in Cornwall) it was dial-up only which is extremely slow and it took at least a minute for each web page to downl load. My friend claims he doesn't have the time or money to convert to broadband but it would save time and money in the long run. I went broadband nearly three years' ago. I had to as my telephone line was tied up and since my mobile phone wasn't working at the time no-one could contact me most evenings while I was on-line.

Feeling very tired today (had planned to spend the day shopping and getting my bicycle repaired) and spent some time in bed because of the loud thunderstorms last night. What a pity as last night was my first night in a bed for a week. I had had four nights under canvas and then arrived in Plymouth to find that there was no proper bed in the spare room and had to sleep on my thin inflatable camping mat. I was tired most mornings and didn't get around to visiting many of the places I had intended to. I might as well had come back Tuesday instead of Thursday.

Still I had lost a few pounds in weight while on holiday through actual dieting or healthy eating as opposed to stress or illness as is the usual reason. I ate only raw vegan food for four days but in Plymouth this was very difficult and I soon got sick of salads and fresh fruit. Eating raw food is a lot more interesting if you have access to a juicer and a blender. I have cheated since then as I have eggs to use up but I haven't eaten fish or meat since leaving Cornwall except when I had so-called posh fish fingers in Ha-Ha's in Plymouth which were worse than fish fingers from a packet from the supermarket. They were dry and hard and I'm sure came out of a packet. I'm beginning to hate eating out now but it's something I have to do when away from home as your own food only keeps for so long. Bristol is a great place to eat but I'm afraid I can't say the same for much of Wales and much of the West Country where heating up frozen meals is the norm in pubs, cafes and all but the most expensive restaurants.

I'm getting really tired as it's late and I've been on-line for a few hours now as I've not been able to access broadband internet for a week now.

Lush celebrations

I'm definitely on my way out of mental health volunteering now though I haven't left officially. I've decided not to stay and fight but take care of myself and do what I want to. Of course I will have to explain reasons for not staying. About time I moved on though it is difficult for me to leave a place where I've been for over five years. Mental health volunteering is not a permanent place to stay for mental health service users, ex-users and survivors. They should out there in other areas of volunteering if they decide to volunteer. Mental health charities need these people more than they need the charities as a place to volunteer. However they are not used fully and allowed to express their viewpoints honestly. They are allowed to have an input into the ways of working, procedures, social events, etc but not actually say any thing controversial. There's still a framework they must operate in. I'm also sick and tired of not seeing even very small changes occur unless they are discussed and agreed upon at different meetings and reports and procedures written up.

I decided to stay an extra day and travel tomorrow to Cornwall for my holiday instead of today. Lush are putting on Lushtonbury celebrations to try and create the atmosphere of Glastonbury with loud music, massages, aura readings, free nibble and performers outside. I had an aura reading which I had to wait some time for but it was worth it. Ibrahim is very spiritually attuned but some of these tarot and aura readers are charlatans. My energy levels are so low at the moment. I'm relying on adrenalin to keep going rather than natural energy hence the mood swings, feeling angry, excited or rushed one minute and depleted and fatigued the next. Areas of the body where there was sluggishness was mapped out and I was advised as to what aromatherapy oils, Bach flower remedies and nutritional remedies to use. Apparently the carpets are giving off positive ions and ideally need to be replaced with wooden floor boards. Wondered why my living room carpet was making me feel sluggish and fed up. I have an ioniser bought from way back to give off negative ions though I'm not sure if it works anymore so I'm going to invest in two salt lamps. Bought myself some Clary Sage oil but there is a shortage of Sandalwood oil due to the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean Boxing Day 2004.

Later....

Well, I'm back from a short night out. I went out to restaurant to celebrate somebody's birthday in the Brasserie but I didn't get there til 10.45 pm. I went just to hand over birthday card and presents. The Brasserie is huge. It extends from a narrow shop front in St Mary's Street right through to Mill Lane and skirts around the Yard on the old Brain's Brewery site. We adjourned to the King's Cross, a well known gay haunt. I chatted to some middle aged gay men about Madonna and her gay dancers and why gay men tend to be better dancers and take more care over their appearance. Not all gay men can dance but they have an advantage over straight men in that they are less inhibited with their bodies so are more willing to learn to dance. The phrase "what a waste, he's gay" is heard more often than "what a waste, he's straight" when referring to a sexy hunk who's not available to you because of his sexual orientation. Why can't straight men take as much care over their appearance as straight men as depicted in "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" where two or three gay men makeover a straight bachelor? But that's another story and I'm tired. I will be away from tomorrow for a week.

Penarth

Well I've decided to leave where I've been volunteering but not until I've had a discussion with the director of the charity. I want to be able to tailor the way I say things in the right way (what I learnt on the Mindfields College Communication seminar will be useful) and emphasise the positives before commenting on the negatives. The positives being a relaxed place for volunteers to find their feet, being included in meetings and awaydays and being informed of what's going on. The negatives are not being given enough of a variety of administrative tasks and not being kept busy therefore we don't learn much and the paid staff then find it hard to keep up with the work. Surely it only takes five minutes to show somebody a task which would take much longer saving time in the long run. Also I feel things could be sorted out in a one to one discussion but instead a task group gets set up. Sometimes when I make complaints I speak for all the volunteers. Yes, a lot of things have been sorted out but what about anything that occurs in the future? It shouldn't have to go through lots of committees at different levels. For example the conference stewards uniform being to hot and heavy to wear. Instead of discussing that at the conference task group the conference organiser could have just asked the stewards at the stewards' daily briefing during the conference after I brought it up. Charities can be so wasteful with resources. Doing everything in triplicate is fine for a government department but not for a charity though I do think that the paid staff should be paid well in order to attract the right calibre of people for demanding specialist roles. Then there's this tokenism treatment of volunteers who have better things to do than come in and sit there just answering the phone (not so relevant with the virtual switchboard) and not be kept busy.

I went to Penarth for the first time in weeks. Went to the anxiety group for the first time in months except Caroline was there to ruin the atmosphere with her like to be the centre of attention but isn't interested in what you say attitude. People made excuses to leave. Was hopping mad so chatted to one of the workers about leaving my voluntary job. Went to the park to see the cockatiels; there are lutinos there now and then had a latte with Baileys on the sea front to help me calm down. Only the feeling didn't last for ever once I was back in Cardiff. Took the bass guitar and amp back to Tiny and he was grateful but he made me feel guilty about having the chance to sell it two weeks' ago. Well that's his fault for not contacting me and losing my e-mail address.

I'm back home, now sleepy and tired after watching a Madonna documentary and "Three Men in a boat" going along the River Thames. I'm going away Wednesday. I was going tomorrow but because of my lengthy period I'm not ready to go and want it to finish before I leave. Back in Penarth tomorrow morning. It makes me feel good that place but this year it's been either too cold up until end of April and then it became very hot with only a very short period of mild temperatures. There was no spring this year; a pity because then I can get a lot done.

The Big Weekend

Just back from seeing The Automatic at the Big Weekend. I made it there for the first time in years. Bumped into some old mates from the mental health drop-in and had a good bitch/whinge cos I was feeling a bit depressed. Dave asked for his bass guitar back which is a bit of a coincidence as I was going to give it back on Monday. I didn't get on with playing it as my hand span isn't wide enough for me for to place a finger in each fret at the top of the neck near the headstock yet in reality most guitarists play further down the neck where the frets are placed closer together and their fingers on the left hand slide up and down the E and A strings. Higher notes are found near the body of the instrument so they do this rather than play the D and G strings for the higher notes with fingers placed by the frets near the headstock.

There was lot of moshing and crowd surfing while The Automatic were playing. Seen them once before at T4 on the beach earlier this year but I was way back. The were booked before they made it into the charts so there weren't headling; Kubb were instead as they were already in the charts at the time of booking but they didn't pull the crowd in the same way. Met a psychiatric nurse during the interval and we talked about Madonna and the old punk bands. She works with challenging behaviours and has been attacked a few times by patients and here's me whinging on about being threatened when I challenge people with mental health problems or express my opinions to them. The lesson here is not to take it personally. It's a good job I've taken a couple of short basic self defence courses. I still think it is important to express oneself in a firm but polite way and not bottle things up because that leads to anxiety, stress, depression, migraines and angry outbursts. The trick is to know how to communicate effectively and calmly and to tailor the way you say things to the person concerned. Having to bite my tongue all the time isn't doing me any favours because I will get out of practice at asserting myself. It's hard to adapt from one situation to another. I have to go to bed now so that I can be up in time to get ready for my holiday and there's still more de-cluttering to do.

Madonna

Just been watching Madonna on TV as the music channels are showing all her videos. Without Madonna there never would have been the Spice Girls who came up with the slogan "Girl Power". Last night I saw a programme on alternative comedy such as "The Young Ones" and "Comic Strip" which stated that before this genre of no-holds barred comedy was around the only way to be rock and roll was to play in a band. Likewise I don't need to liberate myself and gain some girl power by playing in a rock band or dressing like Madonna so the bass guitar and amp is going to go back to the original owner next Monday. I only borrowed it with a view to possibly buying it. I don't need to be in a band to have my views listened to and even respected. Neither do I have to be the partner of a rock musician. I'm a citizen and I have a right to free speech. It saddens me to see Tony Blair and other politicians having to hobnob with rock stars to try and look cool and that every political issue needs a rock star to champion it otherwise it remains a cranky or minority issue. Why can't we use the medium of visual art or the written word instead of music? Besides the lyrics are pretty ambiguous and mean different things to different people and often get misinterpreted so it's not a serious way to communicate.

Last night I managed to drag myself out to Circus Skills workshop. It was great fun but I keep missing it as I often feel tired on Thursday evenings or have other commitments. I had a great time with a hoop, the spinning plate is too easy now for me and I can't get the hang of the diablo. The hoop is a great way to strengthen arms and trim your waist. So much easier and much more fun than trying to learn guitar and it keeps you fit as well. There are too many musicians about; most of them are mediocre and boring. When you've seen the likes of Alice Cooper, REM, the Manics and the Red Hot Chili Peppers live on stage you're not going to excited about a third rate blues band or somebody getting out their guitar to sing and play.

My first post

Well that's my introduction so on with the first post.

I've been feeling a bit stressed lately what with preparing for my ECDL test (it was postponed today) and my flat being in a bit of a mess. Finding a plumber to install a shower is a bit of a trial too. I was so looking forward to one coming last Tuesday after having an estimate done on Sunday.

What's more I've actually seen Madonna live in the Cardiff Millenium Stadium recently. I never intended to go but ended up buying a ticket on impulse when extra tickets were released as somebody wanted me to go with her. However we fell out two days beforehand and I chose to go alone. She was so desperate to have somebody to go with her she tried to make friends with me but it didn't work out. I didn't want to be her new best friend; friendship has to develop gradually. I don't go looking for a best friend but just a collection of more loose friends as I like to have a wide circle of friends rather than be suffocated by one particular person. I'm not at school anymore and it's impossible to have everything in common with just one person. There's nobody in the world who is exactly the same as another. A cult can form between two people and not just be business or religion based. The funny thing was that I used to be a fan of Madonna up in the eighties but not anymore but she did put on a jolly good show with theatrics and backing dancers. At least I can say I've seen her.

The reason why I've let everything get on top of me is that I've been ill through most of the winter and spring. It was extremely cold and I suffer from poor circulation, then I had a nasty stomach upset and wasn't able to eat a full meal for weeks plus the Lomotil prescribed for me made me sleep round the clock and then there were the migraines which were linked to toothache. I went to a private dentist in May and persuaded him to take the offending tooth but it took six weeks for the gap to heal. Penicillin prescribed for the resulting infection knocked me for six. It was also painful to eat so I had to be careful and would often be weak with hunger as I existed on breakfast shakes. When you have a tooth extracted you think that you will be in pain only for the first few days afterwards and then be fully recovered a week again. In fact that is when the real pain starts. It takes up to 48 hours for the local anaesthetics to wear off and then ibuprofen will keep the pain at bay leaving only a mild soreness. Days later and the ibuprofen stops working as your body becomes accustomed to it. As soon as I fully recovered the heatwaves started. Oh for a bit of rain.

That all sounds a bit depressing but I think one of the main reasons for my constant illnesses is my involvement in mental health services both as a user and a volunteer. I need to get out and live my life; do all the things I gave up as more and more meetings and commitments encroached on my time or I could stay for a while and fight from within so at least I can say I tried to put my viewpoints across. I can then say I wasn't listened to when I challenge the mental health system from a vantage point. Become a survivor instead of a user. I'm not the only one who's feeling this way. Mental health campaigning and volunteering can drain you emotionally leaving you susceptible to physical illnesses as your immune system takes a battering. Rates of sick leave are extremely high in mental health charities even among normally healthy employees. What do I want to do now. Well get my flat straight for a start and then do some environmental campaigning which is much more uplifting and trendy/media friendly as I was doing before.

Setting the Scene

My name is Sugar Rush, though not my real name, just a pen name for obvious reasons. The reason why I started this blog is to expose the abuses in charity based mental health services. I have been a mental health service user for the past ten years and a volunteer for mental health charities for the past six years. The abuses in the statutory sector, namely the National Health Service and the local authorities are well known but there is very little written about the charity or third sector which is what I will be concentrating on. I have to remain anonymous except to trusted personal friends who are in sympathy with what I'm doing.

I have suffered from intermittent depression and on-going anxiety for much of my life due to an unhappy family life; we were often moving around from town to town and I never felt at home. I also had happier moments and would get a bit high or excited but it was nothing to worry as I was quite good at hiding my feelings and containing them. It's other people who have a problem with my bursts of activity and driven nature at times as well as the odd outburst and try to medicalise the situation with the label of "mania". Back in London in the eighties this state of mind would have been considered the norm and not a psychiatric issue. Besides the so-called mania was a welcome break from the usual emptiness and flatness I felt and I only wished it would last. However it was never serious.

Then I came to Wales to live from abroad and then I encountered mental health services. I was lonely and in particular wanted to meet other women for friendship as I was not looking for a relationship at the time. Instead of joining a mixed singles group I joined the first women's group I could find which was affiliated to a national mental health charity because it provided a stress group on Saturday mornings where we could learn to relax and talk honestly about our feelings. I was suffering somewhat from agoraphobia and would find myself shaking in the street and avoiding the city centre because of culture shock. It was so different from mainland Europe where the social life revolved around restaurants rather than bars and night clubs and binge drinkers were rare and was a lot less cultured. I could not find community and solace in church as I had done in England and abroad. Something was missing. I felt judged more and had to fight to be accepted.

I found help through the mental health charity but that help can be a two edged sword. It can lead to a state of complaincy. I found counsellors who merely listened and offered little structure, direction or feedback leading me to wander aimlessly in my therapy. This was both financially consuming and time consuming.